Diary 2

Dear Deian, 
Today, I cook fried rice and cucur manis bcos I feel that I wanted to. When I'm thinking on to decline doing something here, I will rethinking again. Does it worth it? Won't you miss doing this when you return back there? This is your chance to actually cook something. So, I be like yea. I can cook what ever that I wanted to eat. No more voltan issues.

I have reread my novels and I remember well the character and the plot because I read it millions of time. Maybe I need to do the same to my law subject. Read it regularly in order for me to memorize all the fact.

I am so scared. I got a memo that final result will be announce on 15 November. 2 Days before I return back to CFS. I am scared that I might not get good result because only I know how I did back then. I did bad for finals. I am scared that I barely can answer all the paper. I want to get exempted for both language. I dont want to go for language classes anymore. It is so tiring and stressful.

I hope I am the one among the exempted person. Ya Allah, please let me be the one. 

I feel suffocated to compete with others. They speak English fluently and with confident while I'm here hesitating myself and part of myself that developing to be an introvert.

I hate making new friends to be honest. I am scared of expectations. I am scared of the truth. Facade.

I don't know. A lot of free time given to me make me realize a lot of thing and also make me think a lot.

I should do something else. Maybe start qada' all my prayers that I missed and start to read al-quran?

I think that's all for tonight on 1.20 a.m.
I miss you deian more than anyone else.
I hope you are doing great.

I'm still searching for real me. Do I deserve to learn law? I am still thinking. All the hopes from my parents, wow I dont know how.

Sleep tight and love always,
Rin

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